The sun rose over the horizon, and the pilgrim saw it. A marvelous sight
the pilgrim beheld, though such as it was, the pilgrim was blinded.
Spake he then: "though I have lost my sight, I say I have gained
something I had not prior and I will hold it dearly in my heart 'til the
end of my days!"
You’re fresh out of college and looking for a job. Everyone is hiring. Nobody who’s “hiring” is actually hiring. You finally get a call back from somewhere you barely remember applying to (though the voice on the other end sounds synthesized). You pull up the job listing again real quick. The company name and the fact that the listing is for “Minion” are kind of concerning, but you know what, you’ve interviewed with enough evil corporations by now, you can handle one wearing its true colors on its sleeve. At this point it’s a matter of making rent or moving back in with your parents, and as much as you love your family, you can’t imagine spending another summer dealing with your brothers’ antics. You agree to the interview.
The man who greets you is an enthusiastic older German(?) man who’s either way too into cosplay or just that committed to the bit, judging by the lab coat. He made cookies. The tray of cookies is proffered to you by a ten-foot-tall robotic caricature of a 50s businessman. You take a deep breath to calm yourself. You bite into one of the cookies. It’s delicious.
You ask the boss about his business model. “Oh you know, a little of this, a little of that, I bounce from project to project a lot.” He mentions that his end goal is becoming the undisputed ruler of the surrounding counties. “Really? Not the whole world?” you ask. “I like to set realistic goals,” he replies.
As he gives you the tour of his “evil lair,” ingrained instincts are screaming at you to report this guy to some kind of authority figure. You remember the salary. You decide that you can always bust him after getting your first paycheck.
The boss asks when you can start. Caught off guard, you say “tomorrow?”. Your boss(?) says he’ll see you then.
On the way out, you bump into your stepbrother’s girlfriend. Your boss introduces her as his daughter. You both silently agree to sidestep the subject for now and act like this is your first time meeting.
You show up to your first day of work. Your boss is putting the finishing touches on a giant machine that was definitely not there yesterday. You are nonplussed. You ask him what it’s for and he launches into a convoluted explanation involving his parents always forcing him to put his shirts on backwards so the tag was in front. You think he should probably talk to a therapist.
Your brothers’ exotic pet breaks down the wall. You stare at him. He stares at you. Incredulously, you say his name. “Oh, good, you two already know each other!” your boss says. You mention that you used to live with him. “What? Perry the Platypus, you never mentioned having a roommate.”
This is what I like to imagine Candace Flynn’s life is like, post P&F.
I used to think Dostoevsky’s deranged side character monologues were unrealistic, but then I started using this website and I get it now. I’ve seen people lose an argument with themselves mid-sentence, or fall into despair after being set upon suddenly by their own ghosts.
“Ultra-Marines Mr. Bond? How utterly predictable. I cast “Da Jump” and put my 30 Ork Boyz directly behind your lines. Now, will you save your reserves? Or put your tanks at the mercy of my Stompa? WAAAGH, Mr. Bond.”
I can see why Amazing Digital Circus took off. It has everything people want. A very sad clown. A furry who is a bastard. Raggedy Anne. That fruity dude from Mario Party 8.
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